This weekend has been nothing but a LOT of thinking for me. Trying to take in what God wants me to do in life and truly understand it and embrace it, has honestly taken up a majority of my time lately. It seems as though He's pointing out to me that before He can/will change Paul (according for his image, not mine that is), He wants to work on me first. Now, that kinda peeves me a little, cuz why should I work on me, if Paul's not going to work on himself?! I find it almost irritating, but mostly frustrating, that I'm sitting here trying my hardest to work on praying, reading, getting to know God better, learning how to deal with situations better, my marriage, etc...when the other person is not trying at all. In fact, they are almost back sliding. What does God need ME to learn in this? It's confusing.
One thing I've learned lately is how important it is to pray. I mean, I've always known that I should be praying more and more consistently and honestly, but I never have gotten myself to do the consistently part before. It's rather annoying, my heart has always had a desire to be a better, more often pray-er, but it seems something's always stood in my way. My pride? My time? My sleep? Life! So, I've committed myself to praying more often and it's really helped me. I feel more comforted when my situation sucks. It's actually a good lesson learned!
Another thing I learned is how much I've missed out on by NOT reading my Bible on a regular basis. This is something I've ALWAYS struggled with, as I hate to read. It's not that I CAN'T read, but it seems like when I do, I either don't understand what I'm reading, or I forget everything I just read before I even finished. It's frustrating, so I've always just pushed this one to the side. But I'm trying. I'm making a conscious effort to pray and read every morning and night, not just when I feel like it and it's been really rewarding. I'm not saying this to gloat about how well I'm doing, reading and praying, but to make mention that I've missed out on SO much!!! I was reading the other night and realized I never even knew half this stuff was even in there. Lol, no THAT'S pretty lame! I feel I've robbed myself of knowing God and being close to him, just out of the fear of not understanding or forgetting. And I think that now that I've been committed, God's rewarding me with the understanding and memory of His Word. It's a great feeling.
The last thing I've learned, or gotten out of giving up myself to God is the feeling of peace. Up until late, I've been really annoyed with people telling me how "well" they think I've been doing in dealing with life and my situation...it's really irritated me. But I realized that it's not been me, it's been God helping me through it all. What a great joy that brings me when people say this to me now, I say "oh thanks, but it's really not been me, it's God...cuz the Lord knows I wouldn't have been able to do this all on my own!!" And knowing that, and really believing that is so comforting to me. It brings a peace that I've not known before; that it's not because of me that I'm making it through these tough times, it's God and His mighty work in me! So I really think that because of this understanding I have now, that I can be ok with my situation like never before. I'm ok with it! Do I like it most times? No, but I'm ok with giving it to God and letting Him deal with it.
So I guess I just convinced myself that it's ok for me to be doing all the work, eh? I guess that if through ME reading and praying and working on things, that God brings me closer to Him in prayer, closer to Him in the Word, and a peace that gets me through the day...then I'm glad. Because in the end, it's not just me doing all the work, it's God's work!!!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The True Friend
Something I personally struggle with are friendships. I tend to trust too easily, share too much and let in too quickly. I tend to create high expectations and feel neglected when they aren't met. I put MY ideas of a true friend, onto someone else and when I get disappointed, think that they are no longer my friend, in turn, push them away.
I had a long conversation with a real Christian friend of mine today, and realized very clearly that friendships aren't based on what that other person can do FOR me or how much TIME they spend with me, or how much they are willing to give up for me...but it's really liking that person enough to look past their faults. It's caring for someone. Loving them. Wanting to give them my time because I want to be with them. Wanting to know them more. It's about THEM, not ME!
Sometimes I get SO attached to being someone's "friend" that I forget why I liked them enough to call them friend in the first place. It has nothing to do how strong our friendship is, it's how I want so badly to have good, quality, meaningful friendships without taking the steps.
Someone once told me that friendships are like steps. When you meet someone, you are at the first step...the acquaintance step. And the longer you know them, the more time you spend with them, get to know each other, THEN you can decide if you're going to go up a step or stay at that level of comfort. I feel only once you truly know almost everything about another person, have complete trust in them and them in you, and are willing to look past those faults for the sake of loving them and caring for them...only then is when you are at the top step. I fail to remember that it takes TIME to walk up this kinda of staircase. I am quick to run up them for the sake of feeling loved and accepted by them. What I lose sight of is that I have THE best friend anyone could ask for - Jesus! He is the ONLY person who isn't going to let me down, who isn't going to judge me, who isn't going to leave my side, who I can lean on, who will pick me up when I am down, and so much more! He's everything, my TRUE friend!
So why do I put THOSE expectations on other people when I know they cannot fulfill them? It isn't fair. I wouldn't want someone to think I should be capable of doing those things, because I'm not. No one is.
I think with the right about of prayer, and a strong relationship with God...my need for true friendship will come. I think I must first know how to love others the way God loves us, unconditionally. Then I will know the true meaning of friendship. Unfortunately, this is going to take time...and we all know I'm one heck of an inpatient person! But that's for another day...
"A true friend is one who sticks with you no matter what the circumstances--his or her love is not dependent on things going well."
I had a long conversation with a real Christian friend of mine today, and realized very clearly that friendships aren't based on what that other person can do FOR me or how much TIME they spend with me, or how much they are willing to give up for me...but it's really liking that person enough to look past their faults. It's caring for someone. Loving them. Wanting to give them my time because I want to be with them. Wanting to know them more. It's about THEM, not ME!
Sometimes I get SO attached to being someone's "friend" that I forget why I liked them enough to call them friend in the first place. It has nothing to do how strong our friendship is, it's how I want so badly to have good, quality, meaningful friendships without taking the steps.
Someone once told me that friendships are like steps. When you meet someone, you are at the first step...the acquaintance step. And the longer you know them, the more time you spend with them, get to know each other, THEN you can decide if you're going to go up a step or stay at that level of comfort. I feel only once you truly know almost everything about another person, have complete trust in them and them in you, and are willing to look past those faults for the sake of loving them and caring for them...only then is when you are at the top step. I fail to remember that it takes TIME to walk up this kinda of staircase. I am quick to run up them for the sake of feeling loved and accepted by them. What I lose sight of is that I have THE best friend anyone could ask for - Jesus! He is the ONLY person who isn't going to let me down, who isn't going to judge me, who isn't going to leave my side, who I can lean on, who will pick me up when I am down, and so much more! He's everything, my TRUE friend!
So why do I put THOSE expectations on other people when I know they cannot fulfill them? It isn't fair. I wouldn't want someone to think I should be capable of doing those things, because I'm not. No one is.
I think with the right about of prayer, and a strong relationship with God...my need for true friendship will come. I think I must first know how to love others the way God loves us, unconditionally. Then I will know the true meaning of friendship. Unfortunately, this is going to take time...and we all know I'm one heck of an inpatient person! But that's for another day...
"A true friend is one who sticks with you no matter what the circumstances--his or her love is not dependent on things going well."
How to BE
So when sitting here thinking about what I feel like getting off my chest this morning, I realized that most of what I think about is my marriage - how to better it, how to be a better wife, how to love my husband more, how to be more like the wife God wants me to be. It's usually the thing I struggle with the most. Because as much as I want to complain when we fight that it's all Paul's problems, I can't...somehow I always find a way to find something I'VE done wrong in it. And while some people may say that that's being weak or being a doormat, or "that" wife, you know...the one who always blames herself, the one who allows herself to be walked over and yelled at and blamed for every single thing, knowing that it wasn't ALL her fault, but willing to take the blame. While yes, it does feel like that sometimes, I think God is calling me to rise above that. BE better!
Most of the verses I've been reading lately have been about wisdom, and steering clear of people who are not wise and living in sin, as they will not receive the reward of the Lord, and personally THAT'S my goal - eternal life with my Father. So...my interpretation of these verses until late, in regards to my marriage have been to just avoid my husband when he's straying from God, avoid him, not talk to him, not engage, separate myself so as not to play the games and trap myself in that self-pity, selfish, un-Godly behavior. But then last night, I sat there thinking, along with the help of some friends' advice...that it isn't about removing myself from my emotional marriage for the sake of my OWN sanity and faith. I felt the sense that God was telling me that I should be the example. And quite frankly, I haven't been a great example, for anyone. I hate reading, especially the Bible; I frequently pray, but rarely FEEL it in my heart that the words I'm saying are TRUE; I judge people like CRAZY and allow my children to hear it; I am WAY too good at pretending to be a Christian...even though I know in my heart it's not about showing others that I'm a Christian, it's about that personal relationship with Christ, that I know I have...I just know, that like my marriage...it could be better!
So, last night, I realized, the way to be a better wife, better companion for Paul...is to get closer to my God. And through building that most important relationship with Him, I will be able to better serve my husband. I will know better of His love and be able to show it to Paul easier. It will become second nature (unfortunately it won't always be easy) for me to forgive, just as God forgives me.
I feel so relieved that it's really nothing I can do, besides spend more time with the ONE person who loves me most. And it seems so silly that I find it hard to give Him 5 minutes of time, because I find myself frequently sitting here thinking of something to do, someone to hang out with, something to occupy my time. lol. I laugh just thinking about it, cuz often I'm bored. I should be using my boredom to spend time in the Word, praying and talking to God, listening to Him...maybe He wants to tell me how to BE that better wife, but I'm just not listening?
So, my goal is to start spending more time doing these things. And I hope over the next couple days and weeks, I'll have some good news. I hope to start seeing some answers, because I've never done anything long enough to see results...but I know that "God sees" me and will reward my efforts!
Most of the verses I've been reading lately have been about wisdom, and steering clear of people who are not wise and living in sin, as they will not receive the reward of the Lord, and personally THAT'S my goal - eternal life with my Father. So...my interpretation of these verses until late, in regards to my marriage have been to just avoid my husband when he's straying from God, avoid him, not talk to him, not engage, separate myself so as not to play the games and trap myself in that self-pity, selfish, un-Godly behavior. But then last night, I sat there thinking, along with the help of some friends' advice...that it isn't about removing myself from my emotional marriage for the sake of my OWN sanity and faith. I felt the sense that God was telling me that I should be the example. And quite frankly, I haven't been a great example, for anyone. I hate reading, especially the Bible; I frequently pray, but rarely FEEL it in my heart that the words I'm saying are TRUE; I judge people like CRAZY and allow my children to hear it; I am WAY too good at pretending to be a Christian...even though I know in my heart it's not about showing others that I'm a Christian, it's about that personal relationship with Christ, that I know I have...I just know, that like my marriage...it could be better!
So, last night, I realized, the way to be a better wife, better companion for Paul...is to get closer to my God. And through building that most important relationship with Him, I will be able to better serve my husband. I will know better of His love and be able to show it to Paul easier. It will become second nature (unfortunately it won't always be easy) for me to forgive, just as God forgives me.
I feel so relieved that it's really nothing I can do, besides spend more time with the ONE person who loves me most. And it seems so silly that I find it hard to give Him 5 minutes of time, because I find myself frequently sitting here thinking of something to do, someone to hang out with, something to occupy my time. lol. I laugh just thinking about it, cuz often I'm bored. I should be using my boredom to spend time in the Word, praying and talking to God, listening to Him...maybe He wants to tell me how to BE that better wife, but I'm just not listening?
So, my goal is to start spending more time doing these things. And I hope over the next couple days and weeks, I'll have some good news. I hope to start seeing some answers, because I've never done anything long enough to see results...but I know that "God sees" me and will reward my efforts!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
First Official Blog
So, I'm not really sure what I want to write...I just know it feels good TO write. It's the main way I get my feelings out without breaking my wrist or talking someone's ear off! I feel like when I talk, nobody REALLY listens to me. So if by blogging, I can FEEL heard, by who knows who, than maybe I will feel a sense of release of these feelings and thoughts and concerns inside of me. It's a mess in my head 90% of the time and perhaps I can clear things up a little by getting it on virtual paper :) I know that through the trials and pits of life, is where I find comfort...in God and only through God. So, perhaps as someone reads my blogs to come, they can as well find comfort...cuz what is writing something worth if it's never meant to be read, right? So here it goes...*Publish Post*...my First Official Blog!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
