Be Careful What You Ask Me

If you ask me where I stand ...

Deciding you don't want someone in your life any longer, does NOT mean that you somehow are better than them, or that they mean nothing to you. It simply means that, at the stage of life one is in, it is best for their well being, sanity, emotional state, etc, that they remove a person/persons from their life, even if just for a season. I think everyone has the right to defend their lives and state of being by deciding that someone is not good for them and that the relationship is not beneficial for either party. That's fair to me.

I wouldn't want anyone to suffer emotionally or by any other means because they were trying to maintain a relationship with me. If I'm hurting you or you think that my friendship is putting strain on your life, then by all means, please tell me and the hope would be that I would be able to respect that and move on. I don't think that anyone should feel guilty for doing that.

If you ask where I've been ...

I can smell unfaithfulness or lack of trust and loyalty from a mile away anymore. And I really can't handle the emotional stress that those people put in my life, I don't think anyone can, it's hurtful. But I don't think it should get mixed up in translation that separation or time apart from those people should mean that you don't care for them. There are tons of people that I love and REALLY care about, but I know my boundaries must be that they not go near my soul, for my health's sake or vice versa.

If you ask what that means for MY life ...

I'm slowly learning that boundaries are a very good thing. Not everyone should have access to my life, sometimes it's just not healthy. If that means they are upset, angry, hurtful towards you and react to your need for a break in an unkind way, then the reality is that they don't respect your health. You cannot chose the way in which someone else will act, you only can chose how you will REact.

I try to think of everyone as good-willed and well-intentioned. However, when someone doesn't display those qualities, I cannot dwell on that, I will not dwell on that. It is ones own choice to get upset, but I have a family to think about, and they need a healthy wife and mother. If I cannot give them that because someone outside of the home is bringing me down, then I have to make the choice - who am I willing to sacrifice for? My "supposed" friend, or my family?

If you ask my choice ...

World, it will always be my family! So please know that if our time together one day has to end, chances are, I really care for you and hold our memories deep in my heart. Good memories will never be erased but clung onto, it's the unpleasant ones I cannot hold any longer. I'm setting safe boundaries into place, slowly but surely, and I mean to hurt no one, but to live a life of intention with people who build me up and encourage me to lead a life of holiness, ultimately drawing me closer to God. Because that is where I want to be and He is who I want to spend eternity with, never do I need a boundary with Him. Thank goodness!

Love. And Some Other Thoughts.

Cling to those you love.
Forgive those who hurt you.
Let go of wrongs.
See past imperfections.
Don't hold on to the past.
Remember the good.
Allow time for healing.
Love holds all things together.
Where there is no forgiveness, pain cannot mend.
Be sorry for what you've done, not because you got caught.
Never let someone special go.
Take responsibility for your actions.
Don't let anger fester.
Listen to understand.
Let love in.
Receive love, gifts and forgiveness.
Compliment often.
Be sincere.
Authenticity is commendable.
Honesty is appreciated, but sometimes hurtful.
Humility is caring for others more than yourself.
Support is more than giving advice, it's listening.
Think before you speak.
It's not about YOU.
Relationship are not 50/50, they're 100/100.
Give all you have.
Keep nothing for yourself.
Love was meant to be shared, not sealed and hidden.
Forgiveness is for everyone, not just for you so that you may have a clear conscience, but so that you would give the same gift Christ gave you, to others.

Proverbs 17:9

⁹ Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.


Leviticus 19:18

¹⁸ “‘Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

Psalm 133:1
¹ How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!

Proverbs 10:12

¹² Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.

Matthew 7:12

¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

1 Corinthians 13:5

⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Cling to those you love. For love covers all!

Whaddaya know, another struggle!

Is it just me, or does anyone else want to admit that they deal with the issue of sincerity? Seeing it in other people, deciphering if it's authentic or not, striving to always be sincere - I admit, I struggle with this a lot.

I know in general, people as a whole, deal with the inability to figure out who they are, what they believe, what makes them them. And I think, knowing this fact, makes it a lot harder for me to believe, 100%, that someone is sincere in what they say. This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel like too often, I'm alone in thinking this way, that maybe it's ME that needs evaluation. While I'm not looking for a pity party, it'd be nice to know I'm not struggling with this by myself.

I feel like I'm constantly asking myself "is that person really my friend, do they really care about me and not their own ambitions, what are their motives?" And while I try not to ponder on this too long, because I feel like people do have good intentions most of the time, I still wonder.

I don't know if it's from the lack of being able to trust, to trust that someone would truly care for me (because I do know that I have a tenancy to think otherwise), or the fact that I've been hurt and let down by sooo many people, that I just can't get past this topic. Whatever it is, the fact of the matter is, I can't let it go and I feel like it just keeps coming back to me time and time again.

I think it's in the genes, but whenever someone compliments me or says they want to hang out or buys me a gift or even conjures up small talk with me, I often feel like it's superficial and fake and that that person has some other goal in mind than getting to know me and nurturing our friendship. I need to get past this, but how?

Take that back, I know how. The problem is implementing it into my life. Knowing and trusting, believing and standing firm on the REAL fact, that fact that GOD loves me and cares for me, IS sincere and will NEVER leave me, will lead me to less of a dependence on the need for these things from others. Even though I believe God intended humans to have strong, close relationships with each other, to pour out our lives with each other and share our struggles, joys and successes, I don't think he meant that we depend on them. I'm still trying to decide where in that I fit, but I think too often on the dependence side.

He's working on me, and really, us all. I pray that everyday I would be able to know that God is sincere in his love for me and be content in just that, not needing anyone else's love, but enjoying it when I do have it. I will just have to trust that people are good intentioned and lean on Him for the rest, because worrying about this is to be too big a burden for one to carry, especially, alone.

What's she up to?

What did I say last time? "I haven't felt like writing lately" ... well, nothing's changed!

Less in my life has been happening, but more soul searching, life maneuvering and tons more effort to create more meaningful relationships with God, friends and family. I've been thinking and analyzing the past, what I've done, what went right and wrong, how I can change, how I can become more like an image of Christ.

Here are a couple areas where I find myself working on -

1. My relationship with God. Let me just start by admitting that my efforts get a grade of C-! Pretty bad I'd say. For some reason, I've lived for 24 years and 3 days now thinking that I can have a relationship with Him by simply praying when I'm in need. I know now that it takes intentional effort and schedule blocking to 'insert God here,' not just hoping that maybe I can possibly squeeze a prayer in somewhere in my busy day, maybe. No. God wants my time and my energy, even if at first it seems out of obligation. He WANTS it, that's what he created me for.
2. My friendships. I heard this quote on the radio a couple weeks ago, "to be a friend, you must first BE a friend." So that's just what I've been working on. Being a better friend, and knowing that true friendship; the kind where you can trust and share and love each other, takes time. It won't happen over night. Safe boundaries are healthy and slowly being built. I kinda like it. I can be a mystery ... oooo :)
   
3. My kids, which is a subject I can never stop pondering. How I can be a mother that will positively influence their lives, how I can lead them to live a life devoted to Christ, how I can help them succeed in life - those are my goals. It seems almost daily, I search for new ways to improve our relationship. Now, just like my time with God, I need to 'input' these things into my life. I know what to do, what I want to do, I just need to put it to work.
   

What I DO know with all of these things - time may not always heal all, but it does help. This is a new realization for me and I hope in the close future, I can have grace for all these areas and let go and let God do his work. There is success in sight! Praise God I've gotten this far :)

Struggling to Understand

I haven't felt like writing lately, I don't know what it is... just so much going on that I don't want to emotionally vomit my problems online maybe?

But today I'm just being bombarded by other peoples' good news and I'll have to confess, it's a little frustrating. I know it's a common frustration with Christians to see non-Christians lives' going so smoothly, while ours is not, and to be a little jealous. I'm totally there today. It IS upsetting sometimes to see all these people, who aren't Christians, having children when you cannot, having successful marriages when yours is not, having tons of friends when you're struggling making/keeping any, have tons of money when you don't, etc and etc. The list goes on and on of things one may have that the other may not have but want.

Jealousy and resentment set it when you start to meditate on those, and it's apparent to me today that that will be me if I don't stop to remind myself that those people aren't TRULY happy. They can experience some of life's great moments, but they will never experience true joy without Christ. So I just have to keep walking my walk and hope that God will come thru and allow me to have some of those same wonderful experiences, but knowing that I have His presence makes it much more lovely.

I've been convicted a lot lately on how to love someone, brothren or not, simply because God calls me to. It's SO hard I'll tell ya! That concept has been very foreign to me, where it's been expected that you only get love, if you give love. And quite honestly, it upsets me that that's been so easily engrained in my mind, because I WANT to do what God tells me to, I want to please Him and obey Him. So I'm struggling with the fact that I have to love someone even though they seem unloveable in my eyes.

Grasping the concept that God loves us just the way we are, even as failures and sinners, is a major difficulty for me. Living, feeling like you're never good enough (perhaps with some of the stipulations above as a beginning list of "worthiness"), you don't think anyone can love you, not even God. So my journey continues - understand God's unconditional love. Unconditional being the hardest part of realize.

But I know that once I understand God's love, I can extend it to others, even knowing that they aren't good enough, that they are sinners, that they haven't given me anything in return or first. Once I am able to do that, I think I will care less about what others have, but will be thankful just for what I have at this moment, because in the end, that's all that I need. God knows each of our lives best. He doesn't want us to be jealous or resentful that others have something we don't, because He gives us everything we need and we should be satisfied with that, and even praise Him for it.

Galatians 1:10

Facebook Fasting

Day #1 without ANY Facebook - going ok!

I woke up wanting to check it desperately, but reminded myself that ultimately, Facebook is not my life and there are more important things than status updates. My plan with this fast is that everytime I have the desire to go on Facebook, I quote a Bible verse from my morning devotional. The hope is that the Facebook urge would go away and I would be freed to spend more time with God and my kids and my husband and not be tempted to spend the entire day on it.

It seems so silly that someone could be this addicted to such a stupid website, but I guess I get caught up in wanting to talk to people, spy on people and in the end, all I'm doing is trying to escape MY life by getting lost in theirs. It's a good realization to see what you're doing, that it's wrong and that God has something better for your life.

I know that after this week I will go back to using Facebook, it's inevitable. But I hope that it becomes just a little bit less important to me and that this week teaches me endurance of temptation and that I conquer.

Here are some of the scriptures I'm trying to memorize today as I struggle -

James 1:2-5
² Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

James 1:12
¹² God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Hebrews 12:5,6
⁵ And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and don’t give up when he corrects you.
⁶ For the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”

Now, I'm not claiming perfection as I struggle, I'm being honest and open that I AM struggling. Please pray that I can "survive" and endure and not fail as I seek to free myself from the Facebook-hold! :P

I'm Weird, So What?!

Some people have said to me lately that I'm reliving my teenage years. I wouldn't disagree to an extent. Those are the years where you want to make your own decisions but everyone else seems to be running your life. You never feel in control. To be honest, I hated my teenage years and even though some aspects would be nice to have again; someone in authority making my decisions, paying my bills, etc...I wouldn't go back to that in a million years!

I like being an adult, minus the above nuisances. I can make a decision knowing that if it fails, the fault will be on me and that's ok. I can decide to do something without worrying what so and so will think or have enormous amounts of guilt because I didn't ask permission. God is the only one I take my business up with, other than that, I feel complete satisfaction in knowing that I don't do things to please others nor do I need their approval to be happy.

Making the decision to get piercings and tattoos is my decision. Just like the decisions I make everyday in raising my kids. Just like what I eat, how I dress, where I pee. They're MY decisions. And whether someone else likes them or not, is really not my problem...it's theirs. That's been a tough lesson for me the last couple of years. I've really tried to act my hardest not to get caught up in what other people think about me, and I've finally come to terms with the issue - THEM! How someone else reacts is not my business, my business is how I deal with that, and I think that I've been doing well.

I've been telling people a lot lately "if you can't handle me, then you probably shouldn't be my friend!" and that's for my safety and theirs. Emotionally, some people just can't handle me - my honesty, bluntness, and sometimes crazy looks! :) But I know that the ones who CAN, are true friends.

So if someone says to me that they don't like my hair, my lip ring, my tattoo, my shirt, my butt ... I don't care! Whether you like it or not has no affect on me. If you can't handle it, don't be my friend!

I'm different, and the best thing is, God made me this way! It's all for a purpose people :) haha I <3 that God has a sense of humor ... it helps me get thru the day knowing that not everyone is meant to be my friend, to like me, to love me ... but He does and that's all that matters!

An Outlet

Lately, I've been really getting into photography. It's a total outlet for me as I relax, sit back, and make people look gorgeous (with a little help from Photoshop!)!

It's honestly been something I really enjoy. Seeing someone's reaction when they see a picture you took transform into something that will be hanging on their walls...I love that feeling. I love savouring memories!

What I've really found through my disovery of the love of photography, is that it's all mine! No one can take away my satisfaction in what I do away! Sure someone can immitate it, but it will always still have been mine! Maybe that sounds bad or weird, but I love things that show me that, yes, I do have talent and it did not come from no where. It's God-given!

My mom has always said to me "you're so talented" and I've always just shrugged it off, "whatever" I'd say to ignore it and not be in the spotlight. But I am! And for once, I'm starting to realize it. Now to keep it controlled and not let myself become proud will be the challenge lol.

I will be posting my work on my Picasa site - take a look :) I'm pretty happy with what I've done so far!

Unwanted Disappointment (I know, an oxymoron!)

I'm finding it hard to be Christ-like today as the reality that no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever be good enough for my human friends and family, is setting in!

How on EARTH did Jesus maintain his cool or not jump on someone and kill them on the spot when they betrayed him or backstabbed him? I don't understand how it's possible to love someone when they are constantly hurting you. How??

How to fully forgive.
How to move on.
How to look at them with love again.
How to pray for them.
How to care about their wellbeing.
How love them.
How to forget their wrongs.

I fully understand forgiving someone's debts so that we can be forgiven, but the concept of forgiving AND forgetting is grating on me! It's always been something I struggle with - I can forgive and let something go - but I can't ever seem to forget enough to move and ever look at the person the same way.

The disappointment.
The hurt.
The betrayal.
The anguish and pain they've caused me doesn't just go away!

How did Jesus do it? One can't ALWAYS look upward in the midst of human conflict, can they? I know Jesus was perfect and was sent to us as an example, but we're not perfect and so then how can we do those things He did on Earth without error?

God IS my comfort, but how do you deal with issues, with people you see everyday, without acting out of hurt and anger and leaving you feeling abandoned, and unloved? Oh the confusion!!!

Needless to say, today's been less than desireable for me! Is there anymore left to say?

Walking Away, Pain, Good Books and God

Sometimes there are moments in my life that just require me to walk away. But that doesn't always happen. I feel that tug, that lingering desire to stay and endure the pain.

What makes someone want to argue til they're blue in the face? Til feelings are hurt and words can never be replaced? Why? Why cause yourself that pain and guilt knowing that you can't take back all those hurtful things you said and did? I don't understand it and yet I get caught up in it ever so often. Giving and recieving.

It never really matters if it's with a friend, a family member, my spouse, or sometimes even the kids. But I feel like I can't control this urge to defend myself when I'm wrong, but even when I'm right. Why should what someone else says matter to me if I know I'm right? Why should I even let them rouse me and ruin my day? On the other end, what good am I doing arguing if I know I've done something wrong.

Lately it feels like I've been more on the arguing-when-I-know-I'm-right side. The side where it doesn't matter WHAT I do, the other person thinks it's wrong. I can talk and talk and try to convince them that I'm right or that I didn't do anything wrong, but it doesn't matter. Nothing works. I don't understand why I even try. Why waste my energy? I should just walk away.

But I can't just walk away! How do I just walk away when I feel I'm the one with the short end of the stick? How do I tell myself to let it go when I'm paying a price for something I didn't do? or being demeaned? or having my heart ripped right out of my chest?

I just finished reading the last book in the 5 book series A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers (awesome book btw), the one about Mary. And it really got me thinking that perhaps I would've reacted to Jesus the same way everyone else did - with false hopes and disappointment and anger. Would I have been upset just like them that I wasn't going to be saved like I thought? that the plans weren't how I thought?

Is that what this is about? Life not going how I thought it would, people not treating me with the respect I thought they would, people not understanding me, people not caring about me, people not loving me the way I thought they would. But isn't that what Jesus must've felt? He was coming to save us all and here we were, not doing ANY of the above. So I can see both sides, very clearly now more than ever!

Maybe I'm getting off topic here, but I really feel like there's only one person who can understand me and that's Him. When I just need to walk away, I ought to pick up my boot straps and meet Him in a quiet place and let out all my fears, hurts, frustrations, etc. I know he's there to listen and comfort, but so little do I actually recieve what he's offering me. I get too caught up in self pity and sadness, that I forget about His sacrifice.

God please remind me daily to stay close to you and treasure your promise to me. Life is nothing without you!!!

Motivation and Healthy Living

Lately, I've been feeling really plagued by the way we live. Our daily chaos, our inability to have a structure, or even something resembling a routine. Our lack of something as simple as a home cooked meal. Our lack of motivation. My lack of motivation.

What is it that makes me wake up with no determination? How can I wake up after sleeping for 10+ hours and still feel empty. I can barely get myself to get out of bed, let alone do anything that's required of me throughout the day.

Now that is usually one day in a 2 week period that I have abundant amounts of energy and get everything on my list accomplished and usually even more! But those days are very few and far between.

I'm not asking to have those kinds of days everyday, but I question if the foods we eat, the routine we don't have and the lack of simple daily living is affecting me.

I've been inquiring from a lot of people lately about the effects of eating healthy. If you know me, you know that eating healthy is NOT on my priority list. If it looks good, I will eat it. Often I don't put two and two together that when my kids are cranky or when I have a headache or when I have a lack of energy, that it might be contributed to the foods we eat.

But if I have a lack of energy to even cook, how can I have the motivation to cook a whole MEAL, let alone a healthy one? It's a vicious cycle. One I hope to be breaking in the near future.

I so badly want to get this thing under control and feel content with life, even though I know it's ever changing. It's not that I'm not happy with my life, it's that I know I could be happier. And the worst part is, it's all under my control. I wish there was a magic pill that would give me energy, motivation, determination, a sense of healthy living, a set routine, stronger faith, stability, gentleness, patience, higher metabloism ;), desire and self control. Is there such a thing?

I know in time, as this just eats at me, I will have 2 choices - a) do something about it or b) do nothing. Right now I'm in the beginning stages of caring enough to even think about it, so I hope and pray in time I will have the determination to get this all figured out. Surely, going back to bed won't fix anything haha!

Quotation Marks, Please!

I thought I'd post some of my favorite quotes today - it's long, I know, but each and everyone describes some part of me :)

♥ "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something"

♥ "Never argue with an idiot...they'll bring you down to their level, then beat you with experience!"

♥ "God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He DID promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."
...
♥ "Let go and let God!"

♥ "I will permit this mother to see clearly the things I see... ignorance, cruelty, prejudice... and allow her to rise above it all."

♥ "I love it when I'm done eating a meal because that means I'm that much closer to the next meal!" -Fat pig Stacey

♥ "You suck at the game of life!!!" -Me to Stacey

♥ "God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen"

♥ "God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece."

♥ "God has the right to say 'no' to your prayers, but if you don't pray at all - the answer is ALWAYS no!" -Pastor at FarHills Church

♥ "If going to church makes you a Christian, then does going to the garage make you a car?" -bumper sticker

♥ The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs.
But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Almighty God, you will make it to a place called Success.

♥ "See the problem is God gives men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time" -Robin Williams

♥ No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.

♥ We may not have it all together; but together we have it all!

♥ All things done in the darkness, will eventually manifest to the light!

♥ Good friends are like stars....You
don't always see them, but you know they are always there!

♥ 'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence.... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

♥ Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it.

♥ Love all, trust few.

♥ I'll start letting my guard down when people stop giving me reasons to keep it up.

My Weekend Thoughts

Saturday morning, I woke up bright and early and headed off to the Beth Moore simulcast that my friend Jenny invited me to. The theme of the day was insecurities based off of Beth Moore's book, So Long, Insecurities. I honestly was intrigued by this because honestly who isn't insecure a majority of the time. So here are my notes from the conference, I thought I'd share and to also be a reminder for myself...
(My note taking is a little scattered sometimes so bare with me)

*Insecurity is not a weakness, it's unbelief.

• Jeremiah 9:20 - Listen, you women, to the words of the Lord; open your ears to what he has to say. Teach your daughters to wail; teach one another how to lament.
• Ephesians 4 (you can read that on your own, I won't post the whole thing lol)

*Pride is a form of insecurity
WE make the choice to be secure, it's a mindset

6 Statements to Describe a Secure Woman -
S - Saved from herself

• Frees us from self obsessing
• Security makes us think less of ourselves. We know we are secure enough not to worry about how we look, what we say, what we do, etc
• We will be less likely to be offended when we let go of our own insecurites that hold us back
  

E - Enititled to truth
C - Clothed with intention

• Proverbs 31:25 - She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
• It's a daily choice to take off the old self and put on the new
  

U - Upended by grace

• Ephesians 2:8 - God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.
• Grace makes the impossible possible
• We forgive only the amount we feel forgiven
• Hebrews 10:23 - Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.
• 2 Corinthians 5 - (read on your own, it's long)
  

R - Rebounded by love

• What if we didn't hold out an empty cup to everyone hoping they'd fill it, if we just knew God loved us and that was enough.
  

E - Exceptional in life

• Accept YOU!

The majority of the conference, I was sitting there thinking "how does this apply to me?" until at the end when she had us grab hands with a person next to us. I took some random lady's hand since I was feeling insecure that everyone else had a hand and I didn't lol. We looked each other in the eyes and began the prayer. Suddenly, I felt 100% insecure! Feeling like I was never good enough, too fat, ugly, unwanted, simply unloved. I bawled my eyes out, feeling horrible that when we were supposed to be reconfirming to the other person, I could barely speak I was crying so hard. It hit me, I am SO insecure!!! I daily think about these things, even though I know that by the grace of God, I AM loved, I AM good enough, I'm NOT fat, I'm NOT ugly, I AM wanted...by God, and why the heck should that not be good enough?

Like Beth said though, it's a daily choice! Being secure is something we will never just wake up having or even learn very easily. It's hard, but it's something we must learn how to do for the sake of our daughters and granddaughters...that hit me. I don't want Kennady growing up feeling ANY of those things, and even though I know it's by nature she will, I want to be able to teach her how to redirect those thoughts into confirmation that God loves her and that's enough.

So then Sunday, the message was about not worrying. Omg, I felt again like "what can I learn today that I don't already know?"...bad thought...God knows your thoughts lol! So here are my simple notes from Sunday's message, courtesy of Bill :)

God's Answers for Anxiety -

The Creator will also be the Sustainer

• 2 Peter 1:3 - By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

God feeds the birds and you are more valuable

• Romans 8:32 - Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?

If God takes care of the temporal, how much more will he take care of the eternal

He knows what you need

• Do your best and leave God the rest
  

• Phillipians 4:19 - And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

The futility of anxiety

• Psalm 139:16 - You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

The Cause of Anxiety
O you of little faith

• Hebrews 11:1 - Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Misplaced hopes are just idols

• Romans 14:23 - But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.
• 1 John 4:18 - Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

The last part got me thinking of my own idols, as Bill listed off things that people idol -

1. Money
2. Jobs
3. Materialism things
4. People
5. Children
6. Marriages
7. Homes
8. Food
9. Does this list not go on and on...

Mine? #6!!! As my blog clearly shows, my main focus is always on my marriage, trying to make it better, trying to succeed, trying to find that true happiness with that one significant other. Have I not made that my idol? Have I not been trusting God to do His work and leave the rest to him? Do I feel I've been doing my best? Most of the time...but no, I do not leave it up to Him. I try and try and try and try.

Which brings me back to the simulcast notes. "Insecurity is not a weakness, it's unbelief." Don't I believe that God will take care of me? Don't I believe God loves me enough to give me a successful marriage? Won't He take care of me?

It really got me thinking of what I truly believe. God knows what I need, He is my Sustainer, He will surely take care of me, I have no need to be insecure nor feel like I need to work work work in order to be loved, wanted, adored. He already has those feelings for me and always will so why should I hand out my empty cup to anyone else? He fills me anytime I ask Him to...

He is my Sustainer!

...I Believe...

Believing has always been something I struggle with. Believing in myself, in others, in abilities, in God, in miracles, in one's word, in love, in forevers...the list goes on, I have a hard time believing in it! I don't know what's gotten me to the point where I don't believe much of anything, but I often think it's from the fact that I DO believe that I have to see it first in order to believe it.

Actions speak louder than words, and that's the motto that I often live by. So when someone says something to me, it usually means a whole lotta nothing until they prove it. Now this can be good and bad if you ask me and I'll explain why it can be either of these for me...

NOT believing, firstly, is a down fall if the following happens - a) It prevents you from allowing God to do great things in your life. Unless you have an open mind and believe all things are possible, why should he allow you to be blessed? And b) You begin to lose trust for all human kind. If no one should be trusted to keep their word, to do what they say, then you stop allowing people in and building relationships cause no one is worthy.
Now I believe that building a wall is a good thing in some situations. You can't always be vulnerable, and not every situation will stand to be believable. So in some regards, to me, I shouldn't believe everything I hear. I am not a rug, nor a fool...

So what makes believing worth believing? A good thing to me when it comes to believing is trusting that God will take care of you. I believe that God is the ONLY person worth believing. If I am going to take anyone for their word, it's Him. However, believing a good intentioned person, can also be a good thing. It builds trust, strengthens a relationship and allows you to take the necessary steps. But I say good intentioned people instead of generally, because not everyone has others' best interest in mind over their own. There must be boundaries, and you must be careful.

So how do I believe in someone if I'm not sure they are good intentioned or not? That's the part I struggle with. I tend to trust people too easily, but then end up getting upset when they don't follow through. My ability to believe them in the future goes dramatically down. It's a sad thing if you live in my shoes. In my eyes, everyone should be honest, trustworthy, loyal, and ultimately care about you before themselves. I know no one is perfect, however, if you're not actively making an effort to be these things, you do not have those good intentions.

I want to believe everyone, everything...but I know that I must put up a safe boundary for myself so that I'm not the idiot in the end. The one thing I will believe the rest of my life is that God will make me fruitful in the land of my suffering. He promises that He has a plan for my life, and I chose to believe that He has only good intentions for my life.

• Genesis 41:52 - For God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.
• Deuteronomy 25:15,16 - If you weigh and measure things honestly, the LORD your God will let you enjoy a long life in the land he is giving you. But the LORD is disgusted with anyone who cheats or is dishonest.
• Proverbs 18:24 - Some friends may ruin you, but a real friend will be more loyal than a brother.

Issues With Stages

When I sat down and wanted to write tonight, I was so upset! Feelings of betrayal and hurt, and confusion all set in and I just wanted to complain about how pissed I was. If there's any a time when I wanted to hurt someone OTHER than my husband, tonight's the night lol! So I sat down, and started writing, however after not even 5 minutes found myself being a victim. Why do people always let me down? Why do I always end up getting hurt? Why are people so backstabbing? And while I'd love to turn this around into a story of how amazing God is and how He is none of those things, I am still human and hurt. So while I won't bash this person, or these people shall I say, I am going to state that I am very upset and disappointed! Not all people are trustworthy and worth my effort!

Here are some readings I found that are helping encourage and teach me as I walk through learning how to take the steps of friendship and not allowing myself to get hurt -

A good friend is the person
who gives you the better of the two choices.
Holds your hand when you're scared.
Helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you.
Thinks of you at times when you are not there.
Reminds you of what you have forgotten.
Helps you put the past behind you but understands
when you need to hold on to it a little longer.
Stays with you so that you have confidence.
Goes out of their way to make time for you.
Helps you clear up your mistakes.
Helps you deal with pressure from others.
Smiles for you when they are sad.
Helps you become a better person.
However most importantly loves you!

As relationships develop, they penetrate deeper and deeper into private and personal matters. This exposes vulnerabilities, so trust has to be developed along the way.

1. Orientation stage. Here, we play safe with small talk and simple, harmless clichés like ‘Life’s like that’, following standards of social desirability and norms of appropriateness.

2. Exploratory affective stage. We now start to reveal ourselves, expressing personal attitudes about moderate topics such as government and education. This may not be the whole truth as we are not yet comfortable to lay ourselves bare. We are still feeling our way forward. This is the stage of casual friendship, and many relationships do not go past this stage.

3. Affective stage. Now we start to talk about private and personal matters. We may use personal idioms. Criticism and arguments may arise. There may be intimate touching and kissing at this stage.

4. Stable stage. The relationship now reaches a plateau in which personal things are shared and each can predict the emotional reactions of the other person.

OR another (easier) way to explain it -

Introduction Stage

The first stage is the introduction stage. This is the time when they formally meet for the first time. They make contact during an event such as in the bleachers of a football game or during an ice breaker at a church event. They shake hands, engage in light superficial conversation and begin sizing up each other to see if they have anything in common and have compatible likes and dislikes.

The Acquaintance Stage

The next step in the progression toward solid friendship is the acquaintance stage. In this part, the two or three begin to hang out with each other. Instead of bumping into each other at the party or the school football game, they make plans to meet each other. The two or three actively seek out time with each other. In this time period, the would-be friends may start going a little deeper in conversation, but mostly they will stay on comfortable or generally surface-type topics.

The Friendship Stage

The third stage is the friendship stage. The two or three have been hanging out with each other for some time. They enjoy each others' company; eat lunch together during break or recess, and begin delving into stickier issues. If they have mild conflict, their relationship is solid enough to weather the storm and rebound; it is certainly not the end of the world.

The Intimate Relationship Stage

In friendship, true intimacy comes when the participants feel free to be completely transparent with the other(s). They are not afraid to be open and honest and are always secure in the relationship. Each one knows that there is a deep connection and there is no fear of judgment. If one or the other feels compelled to offer constructive criticism, the recipient does not mind because they know that their friend offers the advice with the best of intentions. A t this stage, the relationship can weather just about any conflict or personal storm because it is characterized by an ever-abiding, unconditional love.

So those are just a couple things I found...encouraging to me, hopefully helpful to someone else as well! I'll end with this -

"Make new friends, but keep thee old, one is silver and the other gold"

Recipes

This post will be out of the norm for me lol...it's basically going to be my way of recording the following recipes, so that when I remember them, I have them written down. I got them all out of Ladies Home Journal magazine..which I didn't even know I was subscribed to :)

1. Creamy Asparagus Linguine
Cut 1lb trimmed asparagus into 1 inch pieces; saute with olive oil and minced garlic until just soft, 2 mins. Add 1/2 cup cream and heat through. Toss with 1 lb cooked linguine, lemon zest, salt and red pepper flakes.

2. Zucchini and Sage Penne
Saute a few sage leaves in 5 tbsp butter and 1 tbsp olive oil until crisp, about 4 mins. Remove sage and cook 3 zucchini, slived until tender. Stir into 1lb cooked penne with the sage, salt and pepper.

3. Baked Ravioli and Spinach
Toss together on 15oz bad frozen cheese ravioli, one 6oz bag fresh spinach and one 24oz jar marinara in a 2qt baking dish. Bake, covered, at 400F until cooked through, 25 mins. Top with grated mozzarella.

4. Classic Meatloaf
Combine 1.5lbs ground beef, 1 grated onion, 2 minced garlic cloves, 1/5 cup chopped parsley, 1 tsp dried thyme, 1 egg, 3/4 cup marinara, 1 tsp salt, 1/4 cup milk and 1/4 cup bread crumbs. Form into a loaf on a baking sheet;cook at 375F for 1 hr. Brush top with 1/4 cup marinara mixed with 3 tbsp brown sugar and broil until bubbly.

5. Garlic-Spice Rubbed Steak
Combine 2 cloves of minced garlic, 1 tsp each of kisher salt, paprika, cumin and coriander, 1/3 tsp each of cinnamin and ground black pepper, and 1 tbsp of olive oil. Rub mixture onto a 2lb skirt steak' marinate 1 to 6 hours, then grill. Serve with salad and roasted sweet-potato fries.

6. Sesame Chicken Skewers
Thread cubes of chicken onto skewers and marinate in 1/4 cup lime huice and zest, a splash of fish sauce (?), a little minced garlic and 1 tsp each ground coriander and sesame oil. Grill or bake and serve with scallions and sweet chili sauce over rice.

That's it! Feel free to give me any suggestions or try them out and let me know if they are good or not :)

Wah wah wah

Tonight, as I sit here nearly in tears, I just want to be honest about some things -

I really hate some people...

I say I forgive, but I remember everything...

I hold people to a standard that no one can fulfill...

I feel serious resentment towards certain people...

It ticks me off when people lie or hide things from me...

If it were legal/moral, I'd probably kill a lot of people...

I am so stinkin' emotional...

Don't piss me off, I've learned a mean silent treatment...

I hate giving second changes...

Ugh, I am SO annoyed tonight, I feel like all these faults are just being laid out on the table! It seems like when something comes up, I read something, I hear something, I realize something...my mood can change in an instant. Normally, it stems from realizing that who I thought was a friend, really isn't. I have such a hard time trusting people and believing that someone truly has my best interest in mind. Maybe that's why I can't honestly let someone in; my lack of trust. I seriously hate how the above list could really go on and on...

Rarely do I let someone in. Perhaps because before I even get to the stage of "letting someone in," I already feel a sense of betrayal on one level or another. Maybe I haven't been hurt yet, but I can sense it coming so I put up a wall. Sometimes, I think walls are a healthy way of setting boundaries, but in my case, most often they end up prohibiting a potential friendship, merely because I'm scared.

My whole life seems to be filled with people betraying me, letting me down, lying to me, leaving me, hurting me, on and on...I can go on. Where do I go from here? Where is one supposed to go after feeling this for so long? Sometimes I feel like the only way is up, but can't get myself to take the first leap out of my chair. It means giving second chances. Third chances. Eighteenth chances.

Why should I forgive someone? Why should I trust someone? When someone really hurts you in ways unimaginable, or even in the slightest way...how do you break that barrier and start trusting again? I struggle with this almost on a daily basis!

My prayer is that one day soon, I can come back here with an answer. Tonight I just don't have one. I'm struggling. I know relationships aren't easy, so there's got to be an answer. God I know you're the answer and you will give me a clear, physical, practical answer that will lead me out of this...please make it soon though...haha!

Note to self - God is the answer!

Romans 8:28 and Jesus Culture

Romans 8:28 (Worldwide English (New Testament)

²⁸We know that God works out everything for the good of those who love him. They are the people who are part of his plan.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that when I'm hurting, when I'm struggling, when I'm confused, broken, and feel like my life's not worth living...that God is essentially using it for His plan for me. And that it's not just part of life, but part of a plan that will eventually work out for the good.

I was talking to a good friend this weekend, and we were talking about how I've come through some really difficult times, things I'm glad are over, but that I've perservered through and now am stronger because of. She likes to tell me that if life is perfect for us, God will just put us on His shelf of people who aren't worth using. But that when we are broken and hurting, come through it and can help others because of it, that's when God is truly using us. She tells me this time after time, that I'm not meant to be put on a shelf, my purpose is to be used...and I know this, but I conflict with the fact that I must suffer in order to see the sun! That concept just really grates at me. So I go back to this song everytime, so that I can honestly grasp this -

Your Love Never Fails Lyrics

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

So sometimes, I just sing to myself "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning" and "you make all things work together for my good" and the song will get stuck in my head! lol I love God's sense of humor..."she doesn't believe me, so I'll put this song in her head all day so she gets the hint!" It's a great song if you ever need reminder that God is so faithful, he doesn't forget us and never leaves us even when we're sad, screwing up, broken, hurting and feel alone. I love it.

Wow, do I convince myself or what? I come here to think things out and contemplate and try to understand my confusion...and I always end up just confirming my original thoughts! God is so good :)

Blame It On The Rain

So I'm going to do exactly that...blame it on the rain!

Rainy days are a sin if you ask me. They cause me to be the worst me. I know everyone says that you chose your attitude, and while that may be correct on a sunny day, on a rainy day, I think it's destined that one would have a crummy attitude. For me at least, that's the case.

I KNOW that when the kids wake me up and it's still dark in my room, and I can't pull myself out of bed, even when it's 9:30am...that it's ALL THE RAINS FAULT!!! I get up, drag my feet, do what I have to do but never with a positive attitude. I hope I'm not in the majority here, but even if I was, it wouldn't change a thing...I still hate rainy days!

I can't go outside and let the kids play, there's no sun shining in my house, my house is normally cold and dark, my energy level plummets, the kids' raise considerably, ugh and the list of bummerisms go on and on. Did I mention I HATE RAINY DAYS?

So, right about now, I'd be thinking of a positive way to end this post...but really I don't think it's possible. So, if I seem a little grouchy...blame it on the rain!

Have a nice day!!!

I Want More of Him!

So, as embarrassing as it is to admit that I haven't always been good at reading the Bible, I do, I admit it! I've hated it, the thought of it. UGH, just thinking about how much it made me cringe, is making me cringe. I really hated the idea of reading a book that I couldn't and didn't understand. And even more upsetting is the fact that I can read something and by the time I'm done, have forgotten everything I read. So reading in general is hard for me, but reading the Bible...c'mon now, no way!

So for months and months now, I've been praying "God please give me the desire to read and know your Word. Help me to read it with the ability to remember what I'm reading, store it, know it and memorize it. Help me to not get confused, but to truly understand!" And that has been the cry of my heart for a long time now. I desperately DO want to read the Bible and know what God says and read about the lives of these amazing people that paved the way for me...so I prayed!

And prayed...and prayed...and prayed...

And before I go on, might I just ever so gently add, how amazing the feeling is when you know and feel that God is working in your life! You might see where this is going now, so I'll just share that after forever of praying for this desire...I finally got it! I can sit down and start somewhere in the Bible and never want to put it down! It's like those freaky people who are addicted to the Twilight series...that's ME with the Bible!!! It feels so good.

It might sound stupid, or like I'm bragging, but I'm not. I just want to share that for so long I've asked for this one thing and now I finally have it! Praise God...He never fails me! He takes his time, he places things in my path (good and bad) so that I may grow and learn and work on myself, so that I can be READY to do His work, it's on HIS timing! It's awesome!

If my life weren't so screwed up right now, I probably wouldn't have received this awesome motivation! I don't know...but I just feel like God placed this desire to read the Bible in my life for NOW, for RIGHT NOW! He knew I needed him, he knew this was the time!

So if you're ever wondering when/if God will ever answer your prayers...know that He did mine, and He can yours too! He's awesome, he's faithful, and he always sees the desires of our hearts!

Unconditional Love

These 2 children are probably highest on the list of the reasons I live! They keep me going and cause me to make the best of my life, for their sake. Never before have I loved someone so unconditionally... I hope that as I teach them and love them and grow them in the Lord, that they will eventually know the concept of unconditional love.

I don't ever want it to be said of me that I did not include the Lord in this time of MY life as well as theirs. They are so pliable and easily teachable right now, that all I can do is pray that I'm doing the right thing with them. There's nothing more precious in life than knowing you are valuable, loved, and highly sought after...by me AND by God. I hope I can take to the grave that I brought my kids up righteously and because of it, they know and seek the Lord!

Despite My Faults

What I know is...

I'm not a good student.
I'm not a good reader.
I'm not a good wife.
I'm not a good cook.
I'm not a great mother.
I stink at housekeeping.
Laundry is my downfall.
I'm not always a good friend.
I'm not a good driver.
I don't take care of my body.
I'm not a good employee.
I'm not a good listener.
I'm not a good leader.
I procrastinate.
I gossip.
I argue over the stupidest things.
I can't stay focused.
I rarely follow a routine.
Overcommitment is my poison.
I'm not a good daughter.
I'm not a good sister.
I'm definitely not a good sister-in-law or daughter-in-law...so I've heard ;)
I don't follow the rules.
I tend to do things my own way.
I'm lazy.
I'm forgetful.
I'm unorganized.
I lack motivation for much of anything.
I have too high of standards.
My expectations are exceeding.
I don't make sense.
And I'm definitely not a good person.

While, most of these things I've heard from friends, family, and the little devil sitting on my shoulder...I KNOW that God sees me as His child. It sounds so silly that I would know these things about myself, and know that I'm going to fail, and know that I will always fall short...but not always believe that He loves me. How can anyone love someone with so many pitfalls? Sometimes it's so hard for me to understand.

The best part of being a child of God, is the part where we just have to give ourselves to Him, repent, and forget. Trusting that He will love us anyways, and listening to His further advice, comfort and word is what can keep us afloat. It's so simple, yet so hard that I can't even allow myself to give in and let Him be in control. All I have to do is acknowledge my faults, allow Him to be in reign over me and following the few simple instructions He gives.

But I think the hardest part of it for me is trusting. If God is above everyone else, omnipresent, most powerful, like none other...than why do I associate my mistrust in others with that of with God's? It's ridiculous, honestly. God has done nothing but prove himself trustworthy, time after time. He IS faithful. He is everything I'm not!

I'm working on my faith, my trust, my hopes...knowing that even if I don't see it in this world, I WILL! I will not give up!!!

La la la la la

How does one overcome extreme amounts of boredom? I often find myself bored out of my mind, yet nothing I do subsides it. I can go places, do things, make things, be creative, whatever, I've probably tried it...but nonetheless, when all is finished, I'm still bored! I don't know if "boredom" is just my response to having absolutely nothing to do or what, but I'm constantly bored if I'm not out and doing something. Am I the only one that suffers from this feeling? I feel like I always need to be doing something.

A friend told me yesterday that I should just slow down and enjoy things. SLOW DOWN? Are you kidding me? That just breeds boredom if you ask me! lol I don't know how to overcome this almost minutely feeling! If you know me and think you could offer some sound advice or suggestions, please do so...cuz even as I sit here writing this, I'm extremely bored out of my stinkin' mind!!!! Yet, here I am! Refreshing my Facebook, Myspace, email, iGoogle (lol), Pure Romance websites, everything...like every 19 seconds! It's so lame! I feel like I should be able to engage and be energized and have a program and or a schedule for my life, where there's little room for me to get "bored"...is this even possible?

I guess I'll keep searching...

Life or Death

Philippians 1:19-21 (New International Reader's Version)

¹⁹ I know that you are praying for me. I also know that the Spirit of Jesus Christ will help me. So no matter what happens, I'm sure I will still be saved. ²⁰ I completely expect and hope that I won't be ashamed in any way. I'm sure I will be brave enough. Now as always Christ will be lifted high through my body. He will be lifted up whether I live or die. ²¹ For me, life finds all of its meaning in Christ. Death also has its benefits.

So, we read this verse today in church and it got me thinking about some personal situations, but also got me thinking about a quote I once read from Rachel's Tears, the story of Rachel Joy Scott who died in Columbine -

"I am not going to apologize for speaking the name of Jesus, I am not going to justify my faith to them, and I am not going to hide the light that God has put in me. If I have to sacrifice everything... I will."

- Rachel Scott

If we truly love God, have Him in our hearts, believe in His every word, trust Him, know Him, have faith in Him, truly, 100%, then we too should be able to make the stand, just as these measly 2 people have. We should be able to stand in front of a crowd of vultures, ready to devour us, and proclaim that WE have the Lord's love and protection. That no matter WHAT happens to us, through life or death, we stand for Him.

But sometimes, it's so hard. Our Pastor today mentioned that sometimes we don't want Jesus to come, simply because we're comfortable. Ugh, how sad is that? I surely don't want to be the one saying "oh nah, come another day Lord, today I'm busy!" That just makes me cringe, because why would I, amongst this world of pain and suffering, (even if I DO want to live to see my kids get married and have grandchildren desperately) tell Him to wait? Life will be so much more rewarding in Heaven, surely I can give up these tiny little events of this worldly life if it means I get to see my Savior! Right? That should be our goal, to see His face...not to idolize over these other things. Sometimes I get so distracted with wanting these other things, that I lose sight of my real desire - to be with Him for eternity. So my goal is to find ways, everyday, to keep focused.

I pray that I would also, like Paul and Rachel, have the courage to make the stand!

Excuse me, butler, where art thou?

I've had some food for thought lately and thought I'd share. I went to a Bible Study Wednesday and we were talking about how we as humans tend to only run to God when we need Him and ask for help only when we need it, but forget to thank Him when times are going well. The teacher said "God is NOT your butler!" You can't say God do this, but don't do that...be in control of this area of my life, but leave me alone here...God I need you, no I don't! And it's so true, especially for me. I often find myself only praying or coming to God when I'm sad or depressed or need something. I need to remember that God is not my butler and He does not respond on demand. He works on His timing only and He does the work He wants to in me...he controls my life and therefore I cannot boss Him around whenever I feel like it and then be disappointed when He doesn't do what I ask when I ask it!

So that was just something that has been on my heart to share - "God is not our butler!"

I asked, He gave

I ask for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health that I might do great things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything that I hoped for.

Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;
I am most richly blessed.

Unknown Author

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love this prayer. It just goes to show that only God knows what you REALLY need; that we can pray day in and day out for the things we want, but He will supply the things we need and in return will be joyously happy with what we get in the end. It's a comforting feeling to know that despite the crazy things I ask for, God knows me well enough to only give me the things that will better my life, not hinder it.

Lately, I feel like my prayers are really working. It's a GREAT comfort to know that I just have to TALK and God answers. It may not always be on my time, or how I'd like it, or what have you, but He hears my cries and listens. I may not even see an answer right away or fully like I expect, but all I need to do is stay persistent and consistent and I will be fulfilled through Christ, and in that, my life will become peaceful.

Work = Reward

This weekend has been nothing but a LOT of thinking for me. Trying to take in what God wants me to do in life and truly understand it and embrace it, has honestly taken up a majority of my time lately. It seems as though He's pointing out to me that before He can/will change Paul (according for his image, not mine that is), He wants to work on me first. Now, that kinda peeves me a little, cuz why should I work on me, if Paul's not going to work on himself?! I find it almost irritating, but mostly frustrating, that I'm sitting here trying my hardest to work on praying, reading, getting to know God better, learning how to deal with situations better, my marriage, etc...when the other person is not trying at all. In fact, they are almost back sliding. What does God need ME to learn in this? It's confusing.
One thing I've learned lately is how important it is to pray. I mean, I've always known that I should be praying more and more consistently and honestly, but I never have gotten myself to do the consistently part before. It's rather annoying, my heart has always had a desire to be a better, more often pray-er, but it seems something's always stood in my way. My pride? My time? My sleep? Life! So, I've committed myself to praying more often and it's really helped me. I feel more comforted when my situation sucks. It's actually a good lesson learned!
Another thing I learned is how much I've missed out on by NOT reading my Bible on a regular basis. This is something I've ALWAYS struggled with, as I hate to read. It's not that I CAN'T read, but it seems like when I do, I either don't understand what I'm reading, or I forget everything I just read before I even finished. It's frustrating, so I've always just pushed this one to the side. But I'm trying. I'm making a conscious effort to pray and read every morning and night, not just when I feel like it and it's been really rewarding. I'm not saying this to gloat about how well I'm doing, reading and praying, but to make mention that I've missed out on SO much!!! I was reading the other night and realized I never even knew half this stuff was even in there. Lol, no THAT'S pretty lame! I feel I've robbed myself of knowing God and being close to him, just out of the fear of not understanding or forgetting. And I think that now that I've been committed, God's rewarding me with the understanding and memory of His Word. It's a great feeling.
The last thing I've learned, or gotten out of giving up myself to God is the feeling of peace. Up until late, I've been really annoyed with people telling me how "well" they think I've been doing in dealing with life and my situation...it's really irritated me. But I realized that it's not been me, it's been God helping me through it all. What a great joy that brings me when people say this to me now, I say "oh thanks, but it's really not been me, it's God...cuz the Lord knows I wouldn't have been able to do this all on my own!!" And knowing that, and really believing that is so comforting to me. It brings a peace that I've not known before; that it's not because of me that I'm making it through these tough times, it's God and His mighty work in me! So I really think that because of this understanding I have now, that I can be ok with my situation like never before. I'm ok with it! Do I like it most times? No, but I'm ok with giving it to God and letting Him deal with it.

So I guess I just convinced myself that it's ok for me to be doing all the work, eh? I guess that if through ME reading and praying and working on things, that God brings me closer to Him in prayer, closer to Him in the Word, and a peace that gets me through the day...then I'm glad. Because in the end, it's not just me doing all the work, it's God's work!!!

The True Friend

Something I personally struggle with are friendships. I tend to trust too easily, share too much and let in too quickly. I tend to create high expectations and feel neglected when they aren't met. I put MY ideas of a true friend, onto someone else and when I get disappointed, think that they are no longer my friend, in turn, push them away.
I had a long conversation with a real Christian friend of mine today, and realized very clearly that friendships aren't based on what that other person can do FOR me or how much TIME they spend with me, or how much they are willing to give up for me...but it's really liking that person enough to look past their faults. It's caring for someone. Loving them. Wanting to give them my time because I want to be with them. Wanting to know them more. It's about THEM, not ME!
Sometimes I get SO attached to being someone's "friend" that I forget why I liked them enough to call them friend in the first place. It has nothing to do how strong our friendship is, it's how I want so badly to have good, quality, meaningful friendships without taking the steps.
Someone once told me that friendships are like steps. When you meet someone, you are at the first step...the acquaintance step. And the longer you know them, the more time you spend with them, get to know each other, THEN you can decide if you're going to go up a step or stay at that level of comfort. I feel only once you truly know almost everything about another person, have complete trust in them and them in you, and are willing to look past those faults for the sake of loving them and caring for them...only then is when you are at the top step. I fail to remember that it takes TIME to walk up this kinda of staircase. I am quick to run up them for the sake of feeling loved and accepted by them. What I lose sight of is that I have THE best friend anyone could ask for - Jesus! He is the ONLY person who isn't going to let me down, who isn't going to judge me, who isn't going to leave my side, who I can lean on, who will pick me up when I am down, and so much more! He's everything, my TRUE friend!
So why do I put THOSE expectations on other people when I know they cannot fulfill them? It isn't fair. I wouldn't want someone to think I should be capable of doing those things, because I'm not. No one is.
I think with the right about of prayer, and a strong relationship with God...my need for true friendship will come. I think I must first know how to love others the way God loves us, unconditionally. Then I will know the true meaning of friendship. Unfortunately, this is going to take time...and we all know I'm one heck of an inpatient person! But that's for another day...

"A true friend is one who sticks with you no matter what the circumstances--his or her love is not dependent on things going well."

How to BE

So when sitting here thinking about what I feel like getting off my chest this morning, I realized that most of what I think about is my marriage - how to better it, how to be a better wife, how to love my husband more, how to be more like the wife God wants me to be. It's usually the thing I struggle with the most. Because as much as I want to complain when we fight that it's all Paul's problems, I can't...somehow I always find a way to find something I'VE done wrong in it. And while some people may say that that's being weak or being a doormat, or "that" wife, you know...the one who always blames herself, the one who allows herself to be walked over and yelled at and blamed for every single thing, knowing that it wasn't ALL her fault, but willing to take the blame. While yes, it does feel like that sometimes, I think God is calling me to rise above that. BE better!
Most of the verses I've been reading lately have been about wisdom, and steering clear of people who are not wise and living in sin, as they will not receive the reward of the Lord, and personally THAT'S my goal - eternal life with my Father. So...my interpretation of these verses until late, in regards to my marriage have been to just avoid my husband when he's straying from God, avoid him, not talk to him, not engage, separate myself so as not to play the games and trap myself in that self-pity, selfish, un-Godly behavior. But then last night, I sat there thinking, along with the help of some friends' advice...that it isn't about removing myself from my emotional marriage for the sake of my OWN sanity and faith. I felt the sense that God was telling me that I should be the example. And quite frankly, I haven't been a great example, for anyone. I hate reading, especially the Bible; I frequently pray, but rarely FEEL it in my heart that the words I'm saying are TRUE; I judge people like CRAZY and allow my children to hear it; I am WAY too good at pretending to be a Christian...even though I know in my heart it's not about showing others that I'm a Christian, it's about that personal relationship with Christ, that I know I have...I just know, that like my marriage...it could be better!
So, last night, I realized, the way to be a better wife, better companion for Paul...is to get closer to my God. And through building that most important relationship with Him, I will be able to better serve my husband. I will know better of His love and be able to show it to Paul easier. It will become second nature (unfortunately it won't always be easy) for me to forgive, just as God forgives me.
I feel so relieved that it's really nothing I can do, besides spend more time with the ONE person who loves me most. And it seems so silly that I find it hard to give Him 5 minutes of time, because I find myself frequently sitting here thinking of something to do, someone to hang out with, something to occupy my time. lol. I laugh just thinking about it, cuz often I'm bored. I should be using my boredom to spend time in the Word, praying and talking to God, listening to Him...maybe He wants to tell me how to BE that better wife, but I'm just not listening?
So, my goal is to start spending more time doing these things. And I hope over the next couple days and weeks, I'll have some good news. I hope to start seeing some answers, because I've never done anything long enough to see results...but I know that "God sees" me and will reward my efforts!

First Official Blog

So, I'm not really sure what I want to write...I just know it feels good TO write. It's the main way I get my feelings out without breaking my wrist or talking someone's ear off! I feel like when I talk, nobody REALLY listens to me. So if by blogging, I can FEEL heard, by who knows who, than maybe I will feel a sense of release of these feelings and thoughts and concerns inside of me. It's a mess in my head 90% of the time and perhaps I can clear things up a little by getting it on virtual paper :) I know that through the trials and pits of life, is where I find comfort...in God and only through God. So, perhaps as someone reads my blogs to come, they can as well find comfort...cuz what is writing something worth if it's never meant to be read, right? So here it goes...*Publish Post*...my First Official Blog!