My Weekend Thoughts

Saturday morning, I woke up bright and early and headed off to the Beth Moore simulcast that my friend Jenny invited me to. The theme of the day was insecurities based off of Beth Moore's book, So Long, Insecurities. I honestly was intrigued by this because honestly who isn't insecure a majority of the time. So here are my notes from the conference, I thought I'd share and to also be a reminder for myself...
(My note taking is a little scattered sometimes so bare with me)

*Insecurity is not a weakness, it's unbelief.

• Jeremiah 9:20 - Listen, you women, to the words of the Lord; open your ears to what he has to say. Teach your daughters to wail; teach one another how to lament.
• Ephesians 4 (you can read that on your own, I won't post the whole thing lol)

*Pride is a form of insecurity
WE make the choice to be secure, it's a mindset

6 Statements to Describe a Secure Woman -
S - Saved from herself

• Frees us from self obsessing
• Security makes us think less of ourselves. We know we are secure enough not to worry about how we look, what we say, what we do, etc
• We will be less likely to be offended when we let go of our own insecurites that hold us back
  

E - Enititled to truth
C - Clothed with intention

• Proverbs 31:25 - She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
• It's a daily choice to take off the old self and put on the new
  

U - Upended by grace

• Ephesians 2:8 - God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.
• Grace makes the impossible possible
• We forgive only the amount we feel forgiven
• Hebrews 10:23 - Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.
• 2 Corinthians 5 - (read on your own, it's long)
  

R - Rebounded by love

• What if we didn't hold out an empty cup to everyone hoping they'd fill it, if we just knew God loved us and that was enough.
  

E - Exceptional in life

• Accept YOU!

The majority of the conference, I was sitting there thinking "how does this apply to me?" until at the end when she had us grab hands with a person next to us. I took some random lady's hand since I was feeling insecure that everyone else had a hand and I didn't lol. We looked each other in the eyes and began the prayer. Suddenly, I felt 100% insecure! Feeling like I was never good enough, too fat, ugly, unwanted, simply unloved. I bawled my eyes out, feeling horrible that when we were supposed to be reconfirming to the other person, I could barely speak I was crying so hard. It hit me, I am SO insecure!!! I daily think about these things, even though I know that by the grace of God, I AM loved, I AM good enough, I'm NOT fat, I'm NOT ugly, I AM wanted...by God, and why the heck should that not be good enough?

Like Beth said though, it's a daily choice! Being secure is something we will never just wake up having or even learn very easily. It's hard, but it's something we must learn how to do for the sake of our daughters and granddaughters...that hit me. I don't want Kennady growing up feeling ANY of those things, and even though I know it's by nature she will, I want to be able to teach her how to redirect those thoughts into confirmation that God loves her and that's enough.

So then Sunday, the message was about not worrying. Omg, I felt again like "what can I learn today that I don't already know?"...bad thought...God knows your thoughts lol! So here are my simple notes from Sunday's message, courtesy of Bill :)

God's Answers for Anxiety -

The Creator will also be the Sustainer

• 2 Peter 1:3 - By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

God feeds the birds and you are more valuable

• Romans 8:32 - Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?

If God takes care of the temporal, how much more will he take care of the eternal

He knows what you need

• Do your best and leave God the rest
  

• Phillipians 4:19 - And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

The futility of anxiety

• Psalm 139:16 - You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

The Cause of Anxiety
O you of little faith

• Hebrews 11:1 - Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Misplaced hopes are just idols

• Romans 14:23 - But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.
• 1 John 4:18 - Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

The last part got me thinking of my own idols, as Bill listed off things that people idol -

1. Money
2. Jobs
3. Materialism things
4. People
5. Children
6. Marriages
7. Homes
8. Food
9. Does this list not go on and on...

Mine? #6!!! As my blog clearly shows, my main focus is always on my marriage, trying to make it better, trying to succeed, trying to find that true happiness with that one significant other. Have I not made that my idol? Have I not been trusting God to do His work and leave the rest to him? Do I feel I've been doing my best? Most of the time...but no, I do not leave it up to Him. I try and try and try and try.

Which brings me back to the simulcast notes. "Insecurity is not a weakness, it's unbelief." Don't I believe that God will take care of me? Don't I believe God loves me enough to give me a successful marriage? Won't He take care of me?

It really got me thinking of what I truly believe. God knows what I need, He is my Sustainer, He will surely take care of me, I have no need to be insecure nor feel like I need to work work work in order to be loved, wanted, adored. He already has those feelings for me and always will so why should I hand out my empty cup to anyone else? He fills me anytime I ask Him to...

He is my Sustainer!

...I Believe...

Believing has always been something I struggle with. Believing in myself, in others, in abilities, in God, in miracles, in one's word, in love, in forevers...the list goes on, I have a hard time believing in it! I don't know what's gotten me to the point where I don't believe much of anything, but I often think it's from the fact that I DO believe that I have to see it first in order to believe it.

Actions speak louder than words, and that's the motto that I often live by. So when someone says something to me, it usually means a whole lotta nothing until they prove it. Now this can be good and bad if you ask me and I'll explain why it can be either of these for me...

NOT believing, firstly, is a down fall if the following happens - a) It prevents you from allowing God to do great things in your life. Unless you have an open mind and believe all things are possible, why should he allow you to be blessed? And b) You begin to lose trust for all human kind. If no one should be trusted to keep their word, to do what they say, then you stop allowing people in and building relationships cause no one is worthy.
Now I believe that building a wall is a good thing in some situations. You can't always be vulnerable, and not every situation will stand to be believable. So in some regards, to me, I shouldn't believe everything I hear. I am not a rug, nor a fool...

So what makes believing worth believing? A good thing to me when it comes to believing is trusting that God will take care of you. I believe that God is the ONLY person worth believing. If I am going to take anyone for their word, it's Him. However, believing a good intentioned person, can also be a good thing. It builds trust, strengthens a relationship and allows you to take the necessary steps. But I say good intentioned people instead of generally, because not everyone has others' best interest in mind over their own. There must be boundaries, and you must be careful.

So how do I believe in someone if I'm not sure they are good intentioned or not? That's the part I struggle with. I tend to trust people too easily, but then end up getting upset when they don't follow through. My ability to believe them in the future goes dramatically down. It's a sad thing if you live in my shoes. In my eyes, everyone should be honest, trustworthy, loyal, and ultimately care about you before themselves. I know no one is perfect, however, if you're not actively making an effort to be these things, you do not have those good intentions.

I want to believe everyone, everything...but I know that I must put up a safe boundary for myself so that I'm not the idiot in the end. The one thing I will believe the rest of my life is that God will make me fruitful in the land of my suffering. He promises that He has a plan for my life, and I chose to believe that He has only good intentions for my life.

• Genesis 41:52 - For God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.
• Deuteronomy 25:15,16 - If you weigh and measure things honestly, the LORD your God will let you enjoy a long life in the land he is giving you. But the LORD is disgusted with anyone who cheats or is dishonest.
• Proverbs 18:24 - Some friends may ruin you, but a real friend will be more loyal than a brother.

Issues With Stages

When I sat down and wanted to write tonight, I was so upset! Feelings of betrayal and hurt, and confusion all set in and I just wanted to complain about how pissed I was. If there's any a time when I wanted to hurt someone OTHER than my husband, tonight's the night lol! So I sat down, and started writing, however after not even 5 minutes found myself being a victim. Why do people always let me down? Why do I always end up getting hurt? Why are people so backstabbing? And while I'd love to turn this around into a story of how amazing God is and how He is none of those things, I am still human and hurt. So while I won't bash this person, or these people shall I say, I am going to state that I am very upset and disappointed! Not all people are trustworthy and worth my effort!

Here are some readings I found that are helping encourage and teach me as I walk through learning how to take the steps of friendship and not allowing myself to get hurt -

A good friend is the person
who gives you the better of the two choices.
Holds your hand when you're scared.
Helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you.
Thinks of you at times when you are not there.
Reminds you of what you have forgotten.
Helps you put the past behind you but understands
when you need to hold on to it a little longer.
Stays with you so that you have confidence.
Goes out of their way to make time for you.
Helps you clear up your mistakes.
Helps you deal with pressure from others.
Smiles for you when they are sad.
Helps you become a better person.
However most importantly loves you!

As relationships develop, they penetrate deeper and deeper into private and personal matters. This exposes vulnerabilities, so trust has to be developed along the way.

1. Orientation stage. Here, we play safe with small talk and simple, harmless clichés like ‘Life’s like that’, following standards of social desirability and norms of appropriateness.

2. Exploratory affective stage. We now start to reveal ourselves, expressing personal attitudes about moderate topics such as government and education. This may not be the whole truth as we are not yet comfortable to lay ourselves bare. We are still feeling our way forward. This is the stage of casual friendship, and many relationships do not go past this stage.

3. Affective stage. Now we start to talk about private and personal matters. We may use personal idioms. Criticism and arguments may arise. There may be intimate touching and kissing at this stage.

4. Stable stage. The relationship now reaches a plateau in which personal things are shared and each can predict the emotional reactions of the other person.

OR another (easier) way to explain it -

Introduction Stage

The first stage is the introduction stage. This is the time when they formally meet for the first time. They make contact during an event such as in the bleachers of a football game or during an ice breaker at a church event. They shake hands, engage in light superficial conversation and begin sizing up each other to see if they have anything in common and have compatible likes and dislikes.

The Acquaintance Stage

The next step in the progression toward solid friendship is the acquaintance stage. In this part, the two or three begin to hang out with each other. Instead of bumping into each other at the party or the school football game, they make plans to meet each other. The two or three actively seek out time with each other. In this time period, the would-be friends may start going a little deeper in conversation, but mostly they will stay on comfortable or generally surface-type topics.

The Friendship Stage

The third stage is the friendship stage. The two or three have been hanging out with each other for some time. They enjoy each others' company; eat lunch together during break or recess, and begin delving into stickier issues. If they have mild conflict, their relationship is solid enough to weather the storm and rebound; it is certainly not the end of the world.

The Intimate Relationship Stage

In friendship, true intimacy comes when the participants feel free to be completely transparent with the other(s). They are not afraid to be open and honest and are always secure in the relationship. Each one knows that there is a deep connection and there is no fear of judgment. If one or the other feels compelled to offer constructive criticism, the recipient does not mind because they know that their friend offers the advice with the best of intentions. A t this stage, the relationship can weather just about any conflict or personal storm because it is characterized by an ever-abiding, unconditional love.

So those are just a couple things I found...encouraging to me, hopefully helpful to someone else as well! I'll end with this -

"Make new friends, but keep thee old, one is silver and the other gold"

Recipes

This post will be out of the norm for me lol...it's basically going to be my way of recording the following recipes, so that when I remember them, I have them written down. I got them all out of Ladies Home Journal magazine..which I didn't even know I was subscribed to :)

1. Creamy Asparagus Linguine
Cut 1lb trimmed asparagus into 1 inch pieces; saute with olive oil and minced garlic until just soft, 2 mins. Add 1/2 cup cream and heat through. Toss with 1 lb cooked linguine, lemon zest, salt and red pepper flakes.

2. Zucchini and Sage Penne
Saute a few sage leaves in 5 tbsp butter and 1 tbsp olive oil until crisp, about 4 mins. Remove sage and cook 3 zucchini, slived until tender. Stir into 1lb cooked penne with the sage, salt and pepper.

3. Baked Ravioli and Spinach
Toss together on 15oz bad frozen cheese ravioli, one 6oz bag fresh spinach and one 24oz jar marinara in a 2qt baking dish. Bake, covered, at 400F until cooked through, 25 mins. Top with grated mozzarella.

4. Classic Meatloaf
Combine 1.5lbs ground beef, 1 grated onion, 2 minced garlic cloves, 1/5 cup chopped parsley, 1 tsp dried thyme, 1 egg, 3/4 cup marinara, 1 tsp salt, 1/4 cup milk and 1/4 cup bread crumbs. Form into a loaf on a baking sheet;cook at 375F for 1 hr. Brush top with 1/4 cup marinara mixed with 3 tbsp brown sugar and broil until bubbly.

5. Garlic-Spice Rubbed Steak
Combine 2 cloves of minced garlic, 1 tsp each of kisher salt, paprika, cumin and coriander, 1/3 tsp each of cinnamin and ground black pepper, and 1 tbsp of olive oil. Rub mixture onto a 2lb skirt steak' marinate 1 to 6 hours, then grill. Serve with salad and roasted sweet-potato fries.

6. Sesame Chicken Skewers
Thread cubes of chicken onto skewers and marinate in 1/4 cup lime huice and zest, a splash of fish sauce (?), a little minced garlic and 1 tsp each ground coriander and sesame oil. Grill or bake and serve with scallions and sweet chili sauce over rice.

That's it! Feel free to give me any suggestions or try them out and let me know if they are good or not :)

Wah wah wah

Tonight, as I sit here nearly in tears, I just want to be honest about some things -

I really hate some people...

I say I forgive, but I remember everything...

I hold people to a standard that no one can fulfill...

I feel serious resentment towards certain people...

It ticks me off when people lie or hide things from me...

If it were legal/moral, I'd probably kill a lot of people...

I am so stinkin' emotional...

Don't piss me off, I've learned a mean silent treatment...

I hate giving second changes...

Ugh, I am SO annoyed tonight, I feel like all these faults are just being laid out on the table! It seems like when something comes up, I read something, I hear something, I realize something...my mood can change in an instant. Normally, it stems from realizing that who I thought was a friend, really isn't. I have such a hard time trusting people and believing that someone truly has my best interest in mind. Maybe that's why I can't honestly let someone in; my lack of trust. I seriously hate how the above list could really go on and on...

Rarely do I let someone in. Perhaps because before I even get to the stage of "letting someone in," I already feel a sense of betrayal on one level or another. Maybe I haven't been hurt yet, but I can sense it coming so I put up a wall. Sometimes, I think walls are a healthy way of setting boundaries, but in my case, most often they end up prohibiting a potential friendship, merely because I'm scared.

My whole life seems to be filled with people betraying me, letting me down, lying to me, leaving me, hurting me, on and on...I can go on. Where do I go from here? Where is one supposed to go after feeling this for so long? Sometimes I feel like the only way is up, but can't get myself to take the first leap out of my chair. It means giving second chances. Third chances. Eighteenth chances.

Why should I forgive someone? Why should I trust someone? When someone really hurts you in ways unimaginable, or even in the slightest way...how do you break that barrier and start trusting again? I struggle with this almost on a daily basis!

My prayer is that one day soon, I can come back here with an answer. Tonight I just don't have one. I'm struggling. I know relationships aren't easy, so there's got to be an answer. God I know you're the answer and you will give me a clear, physical, practical answer that will lead me out of this...please make it soon though...haha!

Note to self - God is the answer!

Romans 8:28 and Jesus Culture

Romans 8:28 (Worldwide English (New Testament)

²⁸We know that God works out everything for the good of those who love him. They are the people who are part of his plan.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that when I'm hurting, when I'm struggling, when I'm confused, broken, and feel like my life's not worth living...that God is essentially using it for His plan for me. And that it's not just part of life, but part of a plan that will eventually work out for the good.

I was talking to a good friend this weekend, and we were talking about how I've come through some really difficult times, things I'm glad are over, but that I've perservered through and now am stronger because of. She likes to tell me that if life is perfect for us, God will just put us on His shelf of people who aren't worth using. But that when we are broken and hurting, come through it and can help others because of it, that's when God is truly using us. She tells me this time after time, that I'm not meant to be put on a shelf, my purpose is to be used...and I know this, but I conflict with the fact that I must suffer in order to see the sun! That concept just really grates at me. So I go back to this song everytime, so that I can honestly grasp this -

Your Love Never Fails Lyrics

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

So sometimes, I just sing to myself "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning" and "you make all things work together for my good" and the song will get stuck in my head! lol I love God's sense of humor..."she doesn't believe me, so I'll put this song in her head all day so she gets the hint!" It's a great song if you ever need reminder that God is so faithful, he doesn't forget us and never leaves us even when we're sad, screwing up, broken, hurting and feel alone. I love it.

Wow, do I convince myself or what? I come here to think things out and contemplate and try to understand my confusion...and I always end up just confirming my original thoughts! God is so good :)