Work = Reward

This weekend has been nothing but a LOT of thinking for me. Trying to take in what God wants me to do in life and truly understand it and embrace it, has honestly taken up a majority of my time lately. It seems as though He's pointing out to me that before He can/will change Paul (according for his image, not mine that is), He wants to work on me first. Now, that kinda peeves me a little, cuz why should I work on me, if Paul's not going to work on himself?! I find it almost irritating, but mostly frustrating, that I'm sitting here trying my hardest to work on praying, reading, getting to know God better, learning how to deal with situations better, my marriage, etc...when the other person is not trying at all. In fact, they are almost back sliding. What does God need ME to learn in this? It's confusing.
One thing I've learned lately is how important it is to pray. I mean, I've always known that I should be praying more and more consistently and honestly, but I never have gotten myself to do the consistently part before. It's rather annoying, my heart has always had a desire to be a better, more often pray-er, but it seems something's always stood in my way. My pride? My time? My sleep? Life! So, I've committed myself to praying more often and it's really helped me. I feel more comforted when my situation sucks. It's actually a good lesson learned!
Another thing I learned is how much I've missed out on by NOT reading my Bible on a regular basis. This is something I've ALWAYS struggled with, as I hate to read. It's not that I CAN'T read, but it seems like when I do, I either don't understand what I'm reading, or I forget everything I just read before I even finished. It's frustrating, so I've always just pushed this one to the side. But I'm trying. I'm making a conscious effort to pray and read every morning and night, not just when I feel like it and it's been really rewarding. I'm not saying this to gloat about how well I'm doing, reading and praying, but to make mention that I've missed out on SO much!!! I was reading the other night and realized I never even knew half this stuff was even in there. Lol, no THAT'S pretty lame! I feel I've robbed myself of knowing God and being close to him, just out of the fear of not understanding or forgetting. And I think that now that I've been committed, God's rewarding me with the understanding and memory of His Word. It's a great feeling.
The last thing I've learned, or gotten out of giving up myself to God is the feeling of peace. Up until late, I've been really annoyed with people telling me how "well" they think I've been doing in dealing with life and my situation...it's really irritated me. But I realized that it's not been me, it's been God helping me through it all. What a great joy that brings me when people say this to me now, I say "oh thanks, but it's really not been me, it's God...cuz the Lord knows I wouldn't have been able to do this all on my own!!" And knowing that, and really believing that is so comforting to me. It brings a peace that I've not known before; that it's not because of me that I'm making it through these tough times, it's God and His mighty work in me! So I really think that because of this understanding I have now, that I can be ok with my situation like never before. I'm ok with it! Do I like it most times? No, but I'm ok with giving it to God and letting Him deal with it.

So I guess I just convinced myself that it's ok for me to be doing all the work, eh? I guess that if through ME reading and praying and working on things, that God brings me closer to Him in prayer, closer to Him in the Word, and a peace that gets me through the day...then I'm glad. Because in the end, it's not just me doing all the work, it's God's work!!!