Wah wah wah

Tonight, as I sit here nearly in tears, I just want to be honest about some things -

I really hate some people...

I say I forgive, but I remember everything...

I hold people to a standard that no one can fulfill...

I feel serious resentment towards certain people...

It ticks me off when people lie or hide things from me...

If it were legal/moral, I'd probably kill a lot of people...

I am so stinkin' emotional...

Don't piss me off, I've learned a mean silent treatment...

I hate giving second changes...

Ugh, I am SO annoyed tonight, I feel like all these faults are just being laid out on the table! It seems like when something comes up, I read something, I hear something, I realize something...my mood can change in an instant. Normally, it stems from realizing that who I thought was a friend, really isn't. I have such a hard time trusting people and believing that someone truly has my best interest in mind. Maybe that's why I can't honestly let someone in; my lack of trust. I seriously hate how the above list could really go on and on...

Rarely do I let someone in. Perhaps because before I even get to the stage of "letting someone in," I already feel a sense of betrayal on one level or another. Maybe I haven't been hurt yet, but I can sense it coming so I put up a wall. Sometimes, I think walls are a healthy way of setting boundaries, but in my case, most often they end up prohibiting a potential friendship, merely because I'm scared.

My whole life seems to be filled with people betraying me, letting me down, lying to me, leaving me, hurting me, on and on...I can go on. Where do I go from here? Where is one supposed to go after feeling this for so long? Sometimes I feel like the only way is up, but can't get myself to take the first leap out of my chair. It means giving second chances. Third chances. Eighteenth chances.

Why should I forgive someone? Why should I trust someone? When someone really hurts you in ways unimaginable, or even in the slightest way...how do you break that barrier and start trusting again? I struggle with this almost on a daily basis!

My prayer is that one day soon, I can come back here with an answer. Tonight I just don't have one. I'm struggling. I know relationships aren't easy, so there's got to be an answer. God I know you're the answer and you will give me a clear, physical, practical answer that will lead me out of this...please make it soon though...haha!

Note to self - God is the answer!