Sometimes there are moments in my life that just require me to walk away. But that doesn't always happen. I feel that tug, that lingering desire to stay and endure the pain.
What makes someone want to argue til they're blue in the face? Til feelings are hurt and words can never be replaced? Why? Why cause yourself that pain and guilt knowing that you can't take back all those hurtful things you said and did? I don't understand it and yet I get caught up in it ever so often. Giving and recieving.
It never really matters if it's with a friend, a family member, my spouse, or sometimes even the kids. But I feel like I can't control this urge to defend myself when I'm wrong, but even when I'm right. Why should what someone else says matter to me if I know I'm right? Why should I even let them rouse me and ruin my day? On the other end, what good am I doing arguing if I know I've done something wrong.
Lately it feels like I've been more on the arguing-when-I-know-I'm-right side. The side where it doesn't matter WHAT I do, the other person thinks it's wrong. I can talk and talk and try to convince them that I'm right or that I didn't do anything wrong, but it doesn't matter. Nothing works. I don't understand why I even try. Why waste my energy? I should just walk away.
But I can't just walk away! How do I just walk away when I feel I'm the one with the short end of the stick? How do I tell myself to let it go when I'm paying a price for something I didn't do? or being demeaned? or having my heart ripped right out of my chest?
I just finished reading the last book in the 5 book series A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers (awesome book btw), the one about Mary. And it really got me thinking that perhaps I would've reacted to Jesus the same way everyone else did - with false hopes and disappointment and anger. Would I have been upset just like them that I wasn't going to be saved like I thought? that the plans weren't how I thought?
Is that what this is about? Life not going how I thought it would, people not treating me with the respect I thought they would, people not understanding me, people not caring about me, people not loving me the way I thought they would. But isn't that what Jesus must've felt? He was coming to save us all and here we were, not doing ANY of the above. So I can see both sides, very clearly now more than ever!
Maybe I'm getting off topic here, but I really feel like there's only one person who can understand me and that's Him. When I just need to walk away, I ought to pick up my boot straps and meet Him in a quiet place and let out all my fears, hurts, frustrations, etc. I know he's there to listen and comfort, but so little do I actually recieve what he's offering me. I get too caught up in self pity and sadness, that I forget about His sacrifice.
God please remind me daily to stay close to you and treasure your promise to me. Life is nothing without you!!!
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